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Hey there! Wow. It's been a while. Haha. Just read all my blogs here. And man those were heavy blogs. ;)

Well, I know it wasn't an accident that I have come across this site again. It wasn't an accident that I felt the urge to open this and have the luxury of time to read all that I have written here all over again. Honestly, it felt refreshing. Yea, there was a little bit of "tweak" in my emotions, but its something that could just be shaken off.

I believe the Lord has enabled me to write down all the struggles I had before, in order for me to have something to look back. And yes, it's helping me now. Literally.

I've gone through a lot lately. Haha. Here I go again. No, seriously. Why would I be ashamed to share my story? If there are any readers or if there would be one, I want them to also learn from where I came from. I want to, atleast, help anyone who may be struggling with the same struggles I had. And so here it goes.

June 2015.  Remember the truth? Yes. Let's go back to the truth. My story with the truth did not end 8 months ago. The story I had with the truth resumed not long after my latest blog. Yes, we became better people. We were able to make the most out of what we had, and we became very happy. But yes, problems never left our side.

That was a very painful night. I remembered coming out of the cab, crying carelessly while walking down to my house. At that time I did not care about anything or anyone anymore. The pain was too deep that I have forgotten everything. When I entered my house, I prayed. I sang to the Lord and asked for His wisdom. He told a very straight forward answer - "Leave". I was scared. I did not know if I could take it. How am I going to be sure that if I leave the truth that night, I would be firm and would not ran back to it and ask for a second chance? I was filled with fear and doubts. But I jumped into the unknown. I ended everything that night. We, actually, ended it. It was a peaceful, mutual decision that we agreed on. And after that, it's as if the weight has been lifted out my chest. Though it still pained me, but I knew I did the right thing.

Then come everything that I had to go through. I never thought that I'd lead myself to those things just to forget and move on. I felt the worst and the darkest night of my life. I pitied myself so much, that I could not accept that I resorted to and I was going through such thing. The shame, the pain, the bitterness, the tears, the heartache, all rolled into one night. I cried, and cried. I cried out loud. I almost kissed the floor in tears. I wept. I never thought I'd experience that. Whew. But the Lord was gracious. I felt His embrace. I felt His arms surrounding me at that time. I felt safe. I felt peace. And then I fell asleep.

I remembered the verse, James 4:6: "...But God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

I realized, I got too proud. It's as if I told God, "God! I can handle me. Okay? I can handle my life. This is what I want. These are my plans. I'll take it from here, okay?" But the Lord, being so gentle, has let me done what I pleased. Why? Because He wanted me to learn. He wanted me to reach that point of realization that what I actually want is something that will hurt me and make me bleed so much. And He was right. And although He let me went through that kind of pain, He has also made a way to lead me out.

But, it did not stop there.

3 days after. A new kind of story began. It is something different with the story I had with the truth. This is a quite funny one.

It came so unexpected and very soon. I knew what my intentions were, and that is to forget the truth. 

At first, I allowed myself to get into this story because I wanted to expand my world. I wanted to build a new world. A world that will not judge me and bring my past back. A world that will give me a chance to love. A world that will not oblige me to prove myself in order for them to accept me. And I found that world!

I was welcomed so much. My thoughts, my opinions, my feelings were very much acknowledged. I never expected this to come. I felt so secure and safe. I felt that I can be who I can be. I felt so free. Its as if my heart is opening up again.

2 months after. Something unexpected happened. Well, I must admit, something is happening inside of me already. Something I do not understand. I became too dependent but I can pull myself back right away. But I know I'm liking whats happening. Although somehow I feared that I might do the same mistakes all over again, I did not care. As long as I'm happy, I'd like this to continue (same mindset, lol)

Things got complicated. There were other factors that I had to consider if I would choose to pursue this. I am very much willing to continue what was started. Why? Because I knew something great and happy and genuine will come out of this. I believed on it so much. Although situations became more and more complicated every single day, I did not mind. I waited and waited and waited.. because I know things will be better. Because I was holding on to that "promise". Because I had faith that soon, everything will be smooth.

Yesterday. But yes. As they say, I'm just a human. No words can ever describe the amount of patience I had just for this to work. I have echoed out my feelings and all that I need. I did not keep it inside just like before. I applied everything I learned and tried so hard to be a better one this time.

But I think, I have given it to the wrong person. I felt like I was cheated. I was played around. In these last weeks, I knew something was going on. And yes, I was correct. The reason why I was being left alone countless times is not because of the "complicated things", but because there was already confusion happening whether to love me or choose somebody else. And last night, I felt like I will not be chosen, and I'll never be.

The words I heard were all empty. They were all just there to make me feel better. But its not said with what its really meant for. It was so painful. Everytime I remember everything, it brings tears to my eyes.

The feeling when you have understood and accepted all the mistakes, and compromised the things you want in order for everything to work, and then you'll find out that something else is going on? It sucks. Truly sucks.

A friend told me, "You have to love yourself." Might sound selfish. But I think, yes, its about time.

It's seems like the end of world for me again yesterday and a while ago. But upon reading this blog? Nahh. I realized that this is just small compared to what the Lord made me went through before.

Yes its hard. Its painful. And the pain and bitterness will still haunt me, but I trust the Lord that in time, I will be healed. I will not be a hypocrite by saying that I am not affected, and that all these things are just light, no. But I'm choosing to be strong. I'm choosing to focus on myself and be what the Lord wants me to be. I've had enough of dramas and crying and miseries. It's time for me to stand up, reach for the Lord's hand and live a better life ahead.

Yes I know I will be tested in so many ways. But, I will choose to trust. I will choose to be more open-minded. I will choose to open myself up again to the Lord's leading. The Lord has afflicted me a lot of times in order for me to learn and to be shaped. And I praise the Lord for that, though its really hard.

Right now I pray that the Lord would reveal the innermost parts of my heart in order for me to be blameless in His sight.

God bless you all! :)

PS. I realized, I can't tell the "second" story into full details. I don't know why. Probably because of too much hurt? Shame? Bitterness? I don't know. I just feel like that it's a story that is not worth telling. Sorry. And this is all because I did not listen. Again, I pursued what I thought I wanted. But it hurt me 10x more with the hurt I felt before. I still feel this rage. Urgggh. But Lord, please, help me find forgiveness.