Transition is synonymous to "change". Transitions, like change, are inevitable. Each one is bound to undergo transitions, to undergo change.
Just like how God designed the universe. Everything is changing. Everything undergoes transitions. Mornings turn into evenings, rainy days turn into sunny days, flowers bloom, trees sprout from small seeds, our age, height and weight has never been the same - everything. Every single thing in this planet must be under the reign of the great "transition".
Which makes me think, why do these things have to change? Why can't things stay the way they are? Why do we always have to face the consequences of adjusting and adapting to whichever change may come?
I, myself, have experienced change. And yes, it is tough. Facing it needs a lot of courage. As a matter of fact, I am in the process of transition at this point in time. It does hurt. It is breaking me actually, that was why I needed to have an outlet. I needed to write about it. Not only about how I feel, but for readers (in case there may be) to learn from what I have experienced.
From where have I been that I must undergo transition? This has been my journey..
The Truth
Exactly 5 months ago, my world was shaken. My world turned upside down. Things happen quickly and unexpectedly. That one thing I am most scared about has got to happen in my lifetime. Scared? Yes. Because I know I wasn't ready back then. I wanted it to happen, I forced it to happen, but I do not know how much cost it would take me.
The truth came out. First it was just hanging around, but for some reason, it needed to reveal itself. Now that's transition. Before this revelation took place, I would just like to note that for 21 years I have been living the "perfect" life for me - I have a job, comes home to my family, serves the Lord, I got friends - everything was in perfect place. And at that time, that "truth" was only a fantasy. A fantasy that I never expected to happen in my entire lifetime. A fantasy that only existed in my head, in my dreams. Nevertheless, I needed to face the truth. I needed to accept the fact that the truth has spoken. And I had to face it. I needed to transition from being that comfy, perfect son into a risk-taker, a decision-maker. I wasn't ready for risks. All my life I have been pampered. But I took it. I decided to take the risk accompanied with the revelation of the truth. No matter how dark the staircase seemed, I climbed it. For what it's worth? I know I'd be happy.
Reality
Although the truth did come out, I needed to first check the reality - what really is going on? What must happen? What do I really need? If I do this, what would be the effect? If did not do this, what then is the drawback? There are a lot to weigh, a lot to think about. It was one of the toughest moments in my life - balancing reality and fantasy. Of course who wouldn't want their fantasies to come true? Who wouldn't want to fight for what you have always waited for?
But why must there be a choice? Why must I have to choose between reality and fantasy? Because they are exactly contradicting. If I choose to pursue the truth - the fantasy I have been waiting for my whole life - then I had to forsake my reality. If I choose to pursue my reality, I had to forsake that one thing I have always wanted. Pretty tough, eh? Yah.
Why? Because the reality just can't coincide with fantasy. Their principles counteract, their rules are totally different, they have to be lived by independently. So I must choose. And what did I choose? I chose to pursue the truth. I chose to bring my fantasy to life.
Actualization
And yah, the truth had been actualized. After weighing stuff, I chose to purse the truth. I didn't know what effect it may have on me, but I chose to make it happen. I have wanted this ever since why would I keep myself from it? Why would I stop myself from pursuing something that I know would make me happy?
I have foreseen the consequences, and by that I mean serious consequences. But I disregarded it. I chose to be happy. I chose to fight for what I wanted.
New Joy
Yes! I did not regret on choosing to fight for the truth, to fight for what I wanted. I found a new joy. I found a new way of living. I found a new source of strength. I found new security. I found what I have always looking for! What I have always waited to come! I found it!
It was too much, actually. To the point that, at times, I cannot contain it. It was too much for me to take in. I only asked for this, but I was given even more. I only waited for this, but I have received too much!
I started singing songs again, I learned to break down my walls - walls that I have built over the years, I started seeing new colors. I was so happy. :)
It was a joy that, tho I know is temporal, I know I would treasure for the rest of my life. :)
Struggle
But as many have said, nothing comes for free. Everything has its price. If you're happy, then you have to pay for it. If everything is going smooth, then something bad must have been on its way. And yes, my fantasy-turned-reality has been shaken, a lot of times. I have struggled. I have faced the greatest struggle of my life by far. It was way too big that I never imagined I could handle.
The struggle was about the truth. Although the truth was coming to life, I overlooked a few major things. The truth also has its setbacks, disadvantages, heartaches, that I forgot to assess. I got too happy, I got too blinded by wanting to pursue it right away, not knowing that it will not come that easy.
The struggle was also about breaking the truth and waking up from my fantasy. Reality has been clanging me up to do this. But I can't. I just can't surrender the truth without a good fight. I was determined to keep it. And so, I struggled.
Isolation
Since I was that determined to keep the truth, to fight for it, I isolated myself from reality. I ran, I ran the farthest I can to protect my fantasy. I ran to the heighest of heights and depths of the deep just so no one could keep that "truth" away from me. I loved it too much. Held on it too tight. I never wanted to let it go. I never wanted others to even took a share of it. It was mine. Only mine. I have waited for this for so long, now I got it, no one can snatch it away from me, not even one, not even the rules of reality.
I was crazy. Totally crazy. Never did I thought that this will be the effect of this "truth" on me. Never did I thought that this will turn me to the most psycho, unhappy and ungrateful guy that could ever walked the planet.
I shut my doors, kept the truth in and lived with it.
Trial
I fought. I fought hard. I fought the hardest I can with the best of all I have. Just to protect the truth. I fought like there's no tomorrow. I fought the hardest battles of my life. Just like any soldier coming to war, many times, I lose, a lot of times actually. Many times I failed. I was bruised, wounded, almost died, but it did not matter. What's important is that I still live with the truth, I still live with my fantasy.
I have seen no one, nothing else, but me and the truth that I have been keeping. It seemed like building a kingdom in the tallest mountain and have set troops around it to protect it. Because I know a lot is out to take the truth away from me. Geez. I never thought I fought that hard!
And so yes, I have built my own kingdom, my own world. Fenced with huge walls around it. Protected by large number of armies. Just so me and the truth would be safe.
But I know something isn't going right. But I refused to accept it. I refused to acknowledge it. Because I focused too much on that truth, on that fantasy.
Independence
However, it did not take long that the truth resisted. The truth got suffocated inside the kingdom that I have built. It demanded freedom. It demanded liberty. It demanded independence. Which I refuse to give! Why would it demand such? Isn't the truth that one thing I have been waiting for? Isn't the truth revealed itself naturally? Isn't the truth happy?
All those questions started to juggle in my head. No matter how hard the truth's shout is for freedom, I refused. Not only did I fought the others, I also fought the truth. I locked it out and fought with it. I thought, "This truth is mine. Not even the truth nor anyone can change this." I was firm about it.
But the truth still resisted. The truth has finally come to a point that it had to go back to where it used to be. The truth had to go back hidden. The truth needed to return back to its place.
I loved the truth too much to let it remain locked up. I valued it my whole life that I wanted to give what it really needed. Probably, the time for me to enjoy that fantasy, the truth, has ended. And it did end. It ended.
And so, I let down the walls of my kingdom, opened the gates and set the truth free. Now I just can't imagine how happy it could be at this point in time. :(
Overwhelming Grief
It pained me. Too much pain that I can no longer see. Days seemed years while I was still holding on to the truth. And it is the same idea now that I have to overcome in the coming days.
Too much grief surrounds me. Too much pain. I am drowning. I needed something to hold on to. That one thing I was holding on for too long has been gone. To where will I rest on? Where will now my source of strength be? Where will now be my happiness? Where is the truth?
I am overwhelmed with grief. Overwhelmed with sadness. No words can ever speak of how deep the pain I am feeling right now. But if it is the right thing to do, then I should be rested. Tho it just pains even more. :(
Now
Well then, no matter what happened in the past, no matter what mistakes I did, no matter how hard the battles were, everything is now left to be a memory - a memory worth keeping. :) From being my fantasy, now it has been my fantasy again. :)
I learned a lot. Tho it caused me too much pain, but I think I would just rest on the fact that it has already been bound to happen. It was planned. By My God. :) To protect me. To keep me from harm. To preserve me. To show me better ways. To remind me of who I am. To bring me back to His presence. To raise me to life. To live with Him again. :)
I am just thankful that my God is a God of second chances. I never deserved second chances, but He just gives it to me. :) I learned a lot about trust, unconditional love, forgiveness, love, which I will bring with me as I move on from here.
As what my Lord God says, "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." Philippians 3:13
I am transitioning back again to the person I was even before the truth came out. It does hurt to cut off the ways I got used to for months. It does hurt when you are being confronted with the issues you have in your life. But regardless of the pain, you'll know you'll come out lean, strong and equipped for whatever life may throw at you again. :)
This has been my journey of transition. All the glory and praises belong to My Father!
