Sunrise

Hey there! Its been a while. Almost a month now. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. Feeling totally better now :)

I was soooo emotional in my previous blog. And yea, those were the darkest days of my life so far. I remember the pain, the tears, the emptiness, every single negative feeling.. But I'm far from that now. The Lord has led me to greener pastures.. Where waters are stilled, and peace is all that I feel.

I fought. Yes. I fought hard. I lost. Yes. But I learned a million! 

Last week, I felt like a soldier.. Who has gone into war, got lost and just lying down on the floor.. Wasted.. Too tired to move.. Too tired to heal.. Too tired to get up.. It's as if I was just waiting to die. Everything was dark. There was smoke all around. I couldn't see anything, anyone. I was alone. I was in the farthest place of this Earth. That even if I shout, no one could hear me. Even if I crawl and move, it will lead me nowhere. I was miserable.. Exploited.. Depressed.. Drowned.. Why? Because I loved too much. Toooo muuuch. And too much of everything is bad. :)

The Lord taught me the principle of moderation. He taught me patience, submission, rest, peace. He introduced a different kind of lifestyle. He gave me the direction I needed to go to. He was the one who heard me when I cried for help. In my most miserable situation, God was there. Still.. Loving me. :)

When all my heart knows and feels is that no one loves me, He was there to embrace me. When all I felt was emptiness, He was there to fill me up again. When all I see was darkness, He showed me a light that I've never seen in my life. When all I know was that no one can ever care for me and that everyone is bound to leave me, He stayed.. And never left my side. :) God loves me. So much. He loves me. :)

It's just so inspiring to begin this week again. I don't know but I am just having this light feeling, for I know that everything's going to be alright. :) Tho I know I musnt be complacent, there are still battles along the way.. But knowing that God passed me thru everything that I've been through.. I've never felt this secured and confident in my entire life! :)

New week ahead. And just like before, I know God has my back :)

Goodnight. :)

The Breakdown

Hey.. Hello.. This may be the only way I can tell you how I feel right now..

There has been a complete silence. My world is too quiet. All my colors are now turned to grey..

It's 11:10 PM. The same time when we were sitting next to each other by the beach. Crying, laughing, with you trying to figure out how to help me. I was crying because I did not know how things would go if i tell you the truth. But you helped me out.. you gave me the light.. you were the one I've been waiting for all my life.. why did you have to go.. :(

I'm so pained. I just can't handle the pain anymore. You were my bestfriend, the only person I have loved this much. I'm so much torn.. :(

I am missing you badly. All the memories we've shared.. how can I forget them? If only I could turn back time and sit right next to you again, hold your hand and be happy.. If only.. :(

For days, I've been fighting.. For days, I've been trying to be strong.. For you, for myself. For days, I wanted to quit.. For days, I wanted this to be over.. But I just can't there's just so many to take in.. there's just so many to forget. Why can this be so hard. :(

I know I was wrong. For countless times I have been wrong. But why did you have to go.. :( I know I have caused you too much pain, and this pain that I'm feeling might not even equal to the pain I gave you for months. I'm so sorry.. :(

All the memories are haunting me right now. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you how I am. I wish I could be there when you're feeling sad. I wish I could be there, just be there. And tell you, "Here I am. I will never go." But you already left, there is no reason for me not to let go.

Up until now, I'm still wishing that you'd talk to me. I'm still wishing that I'd pass through your head. But I think that's impossible now. You're now a memory. We're now a memory. :(

I'm so much broken. So broken. :(

But I will fight. Because you said you want me to be happy. You said you want me to be happier. And so I'll fight. Knowing, also, that you are much happier now. Wherever you may be, I know you are so much happy. :(

I looked at the moon a while ago, and.. I saw you. :( That was the same moon we were looking at that moment when all these have started. And I don't know how and when will all these memories fade..

I have no other way to talk to you anymore. I guess I'll just be here, loving you quietly. Just like before. I know things will never work out ever again. It just hurts so much. :(

I will forever keep the songs we usually sing to one another. I will forever cherish how much you loved me. I will forever treasure every sweet words we told to one another. You will always be a part of me. Always.

"When you wake up each morning, and you feel like calling, I'll be there for you.
When the road seems uncertain, and you can't stop the hurtin, I'll be there for you
When there's no one beside you, I'll be there to guide you
Catch you each time you fall.. When the stars don't shine anymore. I'll be there."

This hurts so much. That thought and feeling that we can never talk to one another again. We were so close. What happened. :(

We used to do everything together. We used to say that we can do everything when we're together. We used to say that no matter how hard challenges that will be on our way, we'll face it together. But now I am the only one left. Where are you. :(

How are you? Have you already eaten? Did you enjoy your day? Were you safe the whole day? How are you feeling? What are the thoughts running in your head right now?

These are the questions I've been longing to ask you. It just hurts how everything can change in just a day. I will forever miss you. :(

But there's no use for regrets. I just have to bear this and be strong. 

This time months ago, we were still sitting right next to one another, looking at the moon, feeling the breeze and listening to the sound of the waters infront of us. I miss you. :(

I just finished talking to you. :) Talking to your picture. :) Seems crazy.. but I just missed talking to you..

Well yep. That's what matters most this time.. that you're okay, and that you're happy. :)

I love you.. Always remember that. :)

Passing Through

Hey there! It's been a week since I've last visited you. I can finally write down everything that had happened to me. This is basically the continuation of my previous blog and how I am now. :)

Well, it was a rollercoaster ride of emotions. There were some twists of events, but.. Yah, things went back to normal again - to where things should be, again. :)

For 3 days, I convened with the Lord. For 3 days, He gave me answers, direct answers. For 3 days, He gave me comfort. For 3 days, He drew me back. :')

When I prayed to the Lord that I wanted to get back to my regular quiet time, He told me one book that I could read - Philippians. I did not know why. But I pursued reading it, and this is how He talked to me through it.

Background: The book of Philippians is one of the Apostle Paul's Epistles in the Bible. It is about how thankful he is for the Philippians for their continuous love, support and prayers to him since he was staying in prison by then. He also expressed his longing for the Philippians and gave some reminders about their faith and love for Jesus Christ.

Day 1: Be Worthy of Christ

Philippians 1:27 "Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ.."

This is the verse that struck me the most. The gospel is so precious. It is precious because it has cost the life of Jesus Christ. It has cost His blood. This is the reason why He left His majesty and deity in Heaven. This is how costly and precious the gospel is.

What is the gospel? The gospel is God's love story to us - to mankind. How He made every way possible to reconcile everyone back to Him. And that reconciliation was made possible through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. He gave His only son to the world, to die and pay the penalty of sin just so we would be saved and cleansed from our unrighteousness. That's how God loves. Though while we were still sinners, He chose to save us, because He wanted us to be with Him forever - and that forever is not the "forever" we hear from love stories or temporal relationships - forever means for eternity - life after death. And that's true!

And the Lord told me to be worthy of the gospel. What does that mean? The Lord wanted me to act, think and live in such a way that I can count myself "worthy" of the gospel of Christ, worthy of all the sacrifices Christ has done on the cross, worthy of Christ's life and blood that was shed from the cross 2,000 years ago. "Worthy" in such a way that what Christ did will not be counted as useless in my life.

How can I be "worthy"? I am not perfect. I disappoint too many people. If I fail to please people a million times, how, then, can I ever please God? He is the God of the universe! The God of all! 

Well, "worthy" basically means living out my life for Christ - choosing to stand for Him; choosing to do what's right; choosing to follow His commands; choosing to refrain from leaning to what's wrong; choosing to read the Bible; choosing to regularly talk to Him; choosing to listen to Him; choosing to be the kind of Christian I should be. Because that's how He wanted me to be. I'm pretty sure of that.

He reminded me that I should stop being so careless, so childish and so relaxed, it's time to man up and be "worthy" of the Lord's calling! And yes.. it's been a while.

Below are some of the verses that also struck me that day:

Philippians 1:10-11 "..so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ."

Philippians 1:20 "..Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death."

Philippians 2:15 "That you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world."

Day 2: Never Look Back

Philippians 2:13 "..forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead."

This is the same verse that God told me as I was writing my previous blog. Seems like there is only one message the Lord wanted me to know. ;)

God is such a sweet God. He makes sure that He shows me the right way each time I get lost. No matter how stubborn or proud or disobedient I have become, He never gives up on me. He sees to it that I'll get back to where He wants me to be.

The Lord is very visionary. He has such huge plans for me (which I forgot since the revelation of "the truth"). I have totally forgotten everything and got blinded by the "happiness" I thought I could have forever. This is how the devil got me. But no use to regret and look back, the Lord told me to strain forward to what lies ahead.

And I wonder what are those that lie ahead! Greener pasture? Bigger opportunities? A more peaceful life? Whichever it may be, one thing is for sure - that if I choose to stop dwelling in the past, there is a prize waiting for me. Yes, I can still feel the pain and all the ruins of my past, but what matters most now is how I would get up and win that prize that the Lord has set out for me.

I was reminded by the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. That when the wife of Lot looked back at the city while they were coming out, she turned to salt. "Looking back" could be interpreted as the inability to let go, the inability to discipline yourself, the inability to master your weakness, and the urgency to repeat the same mistakes all over again. 

So I should stop looking back. Yes it may hurt. Yes it may haunt me. Yes it may even cripple me. But who cares? My God is bigger than my fears! My God is much stronger than anyone who would try to be against me.

Look ahead. Stop looking back.

Below are the verses that had also struck me that day:

Philippians 3:1 "Finally brothers, rejoice in the Lord."

Philippians 3:8 "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."

Philippians 3:20 "But our citizenship is in Heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ."

Day 3: Choose Peace

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This is the most powerful answer I have received by far. :) The Lord wanted me to be at peace. After fighting for what's wrong for the past 5 months, after choosing to fight for what I think is best for me, now the Lord wanted me to have peace. It's as is if God speaking to me.. "The fight is done my child. Lay down your arms. Come here. Let me hug you."

If only I could see the face of God, if only I could wrap my arms around Him and embrace and thank Him and fall face down on His feet to worship Him. That's how great my gratitude is to Him. He is so good. :')

Whenever my past clouds in, this is the verse I use to combat the devil. Although I have failed a while ago, but it doesn't matter. What's important is that I should stand up again, look ahead, and choose peace.

Whenever I worry too much, the Lord just wants me to pray. Whenever I get too pre-occupied with those that I cannot control, the Lord just wants me to pray. And His peace, will guard my heart and my mind. It's a tough battle though. But the pain and the struggle will be worth it since I am fighting for what is right now. I am fighting for what I know who will not turn His back on me. I am fighting for what I know will stay no matter what. I am fighting for the God who would never leave me nor forsake me. I am fighting for the God who is true to promises. I am fighting for the God who truly loves me. No to "blindedness" anymore. ;)

Below are the verses that struck me that day:

Philippians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord, always; again I will say, rejoice."

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Philippians 4:9 "What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:11 "..for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content."

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:19 "And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

I am proud to experience all these things. :) It's been a while since I get to really, personally talk to my Savior. And if there may be readers I hope and pray that the Lord has spoken to your hearts.

Remember, only He can satisfy all your longings; only He can make you happy; only He can make you feel complete; only He can turn your mournings into dancing; only He can make you feel loved unconditionally. The world may deceive you by trying to be all that God can. You just have to be wise and firm in saying "no". If not, huh, then braise yourselves for a life full of lies, heartaches, emotional breakdown and fake foundations. Because no matter how hard they try to mimic God, they just can't. And you'll end up defeated and hopeless because of trusting the wrong "God".

Though it may really be hard to choose Him. Because the world's offers are far more attractive in the eyes, but destructive on the inside. Just like what happened to Eve. The fruit did appear very appealing, but it caused sin to be passed on from generation to generation. The damage was so great! 

It may be hard to choose God, but regardless, choose Him. Warning, your choice may be tested. You just have to stand firm, look ahead and choose peace. And He will guard your hearts and your minds.

The battle belongs to the Lord. We cannot win the battles of this Earth. 

Surrender. Believe. And live the lives you have never imagined! ;)

All glory and praises belong to my Lord!!

The Transition

Transition is synonymous to "change". Transitions, like change, are inevitable. Each one is bound to undergo transitions, to undergo change. 

Just like how God designed the universe. Everything is changing. Everything undergoes transitions. Mornings turn into evenings, rainy days turn into sunny days, flowers bloom, trees sprout from small seeds, our age, height and weight has never been the same - everything. Every single thing in this planet must be under the reign of the great "transition". 

Which makes me think, why do these things have to change? Why can't things stay the way they are? Why do we always have to face the consequences of adjusting and adapting to whichever change may come?

I, myself, have experienced change. And yes, it is tough. Facing it needs a lot of courage. As a matter of fact, I am in the process of transition at this point in time. It does hurt. It is breaking me actually, that was why I needed to have an outlet. I needed to write about it. Not only about how I feel, but for readers (in case there may be) to learn from what I have experienced.

From where have I been that I must undergo transition? This has been my journey..

The Truth

Exactly 5 months ago, my world was shaken. My world turned upside down. Things happen quickly and unexpectedly. That one thing I am most scared about has got to happen in my lifetime. Scared? Yes. Because I know I wasn't ready back then. I wanted it to happen, I forced it to happen, but I do not know how much cost it would take me.

The truth came out. First it was just hanging around, but for some reason, it needed to reveal itself. Now that's transition. Before this revelation took place, I would just like to note that for 21 years I have been living the "perfect" life for me - I have a job, comes home to my family, serves the Lord, I got friends - everything was in perfect place. And at that time, that "truth" was only a fantasy. A fantasy that I never expected to happen in my entire lifetime. A fantasy that only existed in my head, in my dreams. Nevertheless, I needed to face the truth. I needed to accept the fact that the truth has spoken. And I had to face it. I needed to transition from being that comfy, perfect son into a risk-taker, a decision-maker. I wasn't ready for risks. All my life I have been pampered. But I took it. I decided to take the risk accompanied with the revelation of the truth. No matter how dark the staircase seemed, I climbed it. For what it's worth? I know I'd be happy.

Reality

Although the truth did come out, I needed to first check the reality - what really is going on? What must happen? What do I really need? If I do this, what would be the effect? If did not do this, what then is the drawback? There are a lot to weigh, a lot to think about. It was one of the toughest moments in my life - balancing reality and fantasy. Of course who wouldn't want their fantasies to come true? Who wouldn't want to fight for what you have always waited for?

But why must there be a choice? Why must I have to choose between reality and fantasy? Because they are exactly contradicting. If I choose to pursue the truth - the fantasy I have been waiting for my whole life - then I had to forsake my reality. If I choose to pursue my reality, I had to forsake that one thing I have always wanted. Pretty tough, eh? Yah.

Why? Because the reality just can't coincide with fantasy. Their principles counteract, their rules are totally different, they have to be lived by independently. So I must choose. And what did I choose? I chose to pursue the truth. I chose to bring my fantasy to life.

Actualization

And yah, the truth had been actualized. After weighing stuff, I chose to purse the truth. I didn't know what effect it may have on me, but I chose to make it happen. I have wanted this ever since why would I keep myself from it? Why would I stop myself from pursuing something that I know would make me happy?

I have foreseen the consequences, and by that I mean serious consequences. But I disregarded it. I chose to be happy. I chose to fight for what I wanted.

New Joy

Yes! I did not regret on choosing to fight for the truth, to fight for what I wanted. I found a new joy. I found a new way of living. I found a new source of strength. I found new security. I found what I have always looking for! What I have always waited to come! I found it!

It was too much, actually. To the point that, at times, I cannot contain it. It was too much for me to take in. I only asked for this, but I was given even more. I only waited for this, but I have received too much!

I started singing songs again, I learned to break down my walls - walls that I have built over the years, I started seeing new colors. I was so happy. :)

It was a joy that, tho I know is temporal, I know I would treasure for the rest of my life. :)

Struggle

But as many have said, nothing comes for free. Everything has its price. If you're happy, then you have to pay for it. If everything is going smooth, then something bad must have been on its way. And yes, my fantasy-turned-reality has been shaken, a lot of times. I have struggled. I have faced the greatest struggle of my life by far. It was way too big that I never imagined I could handle.

The struggle was about the truth. Although the truth was coming to life, I overlooked a few major things. The truth also has its setbacks, disadvantages, heartaches, that I forgot to assess. I got too happy, I got too blinded by wanting to pursue it right away, not knowing that it will not come that easy.

The struggle was also about breaking the truth and waking up from my fantasy. Reality has been clanging me up to do this. But I can't. I just can't surrender the truth without a good fight. I was determined to keep it. And so, I struggled.

Isolation

Since I was that determined to keep the truth, to fight for it, I isolated myself from reality. I ran, I ran the farthest I can to protect my fantasy. I ran to the heighest of heights and depths of the deep just so no one could keep that "truth" away from me. I loved it too much. Held on it too tight. I never wanted to let it go. I never wanted others to even took a share of it. It was mine. Only mine. I have waited for this for so long, now I got it, no one can snatch it away from me, not even one, not even the rules of reality.

I was crazy. Totally crazy. Never did I thought that this will be the effect of this "truth" on me. Never did I thought that this will turn me to the most psycho, unhappy and ungrateful guy that could ever walked the planet.

I shut my doors, kept the truth in and lived with it.

Trial

I fought. I fought hard. I fought the hardest I can with the best of all I have. Just to protect the truth. I fought like there's no tomorrow. I fought the hardest battles of my life. Just like any soldier coming to war, many times, I lose, a lot of times actually. Many times I failed. I was bruised, wounded, almost died, but it did not matter. What's important is that I still live with the truth, I still live with my fantasy.

I have seen no one, nothing else, but me and the truth that I have been keeping. It seemed like building a kingdom in the tallest mountain and have set troops around it to protect it. Because I know a lot is out to take the truth away from me. Geez. I never thought I fought that hard!

And so yes, I have built my own kingdom, my own world. Fenced with huge walls around it. Protected by large number of armies. Just so me and the truth would be safe. 

But I know something isn't going right. But I refused to accept it. I refused to acknowledge it. Because I focused too much on that truth, on that fantasy.

Independence

However, it did not take long that the truth resisted. The truth got suffocated inside the kingdom that I have built. It demanded freedom. It demanded liberty. It demanded independence. Which I refuse to give! Why would it demand such? Isn't the truth that one thing I have been waiting for? Isn't the truth revealed itself naturally? Isn't the truth happy?

All those questions started to juggle in my head. No matter how hard the truth's shout is for freedom, I refused. Not only did I fought the others, I also fought the truth. I locked it out and fought with it. I thought, "This truth is mine. Not even the truth nor anyone can change this." I was firm about it.

But the truth still resisted. The truth has finally come to a point that it had to go back to where it used to be. The truth had to go back hidden. The truth needed to return back to its place.

I loved the truth too much to let it remain locked up. I valued it my whole life that I wanted to give what it really needed. Probably, the time for me to enjoy that fantasy, the truth, has ended. And it did end. It ended.

And so, I let down the walls of my kingdom, opened the gates and set the truth free. Now I just can't imagine how happy it could be at this point in time. :(

Overwhelming Grief

It pained me. Too much pain that I can no longer see. Days seemed years while I was still holding on to the truth. And it is the same idea now that I have to overcome in the coming days.

Too much grief surrounds me. Too much pain. I am drowning. I needed something to hold on to. That one thing I was holding on for too long has been gone. To where will I rest on? Where will now my source of strength be? Where will now be my happiness? Where is the truth?

I am overwhelmed with grief. Overwhelmed with sadness. No words can ever speak of how deep the pain I am feeling right now. But if it is the right thing to do, then I should be rested. Tho it just pains even more. :(

Now

Well then, no matter what happened in the past, no matter what mistakes I did, no matter how hard the battles were, everything is now left to be a memory - a memory worth keeping. :) From being my fantasy, now it has been my fantasy again. :)

I learned a lot. Tho it caused me too much pain, but I think I would just rest on the fact that it has already been bound to happen. It was planned. By My God. :) To protect me. To keep me from harm. To preserve me. To show me better ways. To remind me of who I am. To bring me back to His presence. To raise me to life. To live with Him again. :)

I am just thankful that my God is a God of second chances. I never deserved second chances, but He just gives it to me. :) I learned a lot about trust, unconditional love, forgiveness, love, which I will bring with me as I move on from here.

As what my Lord God says, "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." Philippians 3:13

I am transitioning back again to the person I was even before the truth came out. It does hurt to cut off the ways I got used to for months. It does hurt when you are being confronted with the issues you have in your life. But regardless of the pain, you'll know you'll come out lean, strong and equipped for whatever life may throw at you again. :)

This has been my journey of transition. All the glory and praises belong to My Father!