Hey there! Wow. It's been a
while. Haha. Just read all my blogs here. And man those were heavy blogs. ;)
Well, I know it wasn't an
accident that I have come across this site again. It wasn't an accident that I
felt the urge to open this and have the luxury of time to read all that I have
written here all over again. Honestly, it felt refreshing. Yea, there was a
little bit of "tweak" in my emotions, but its something that could
just be shaken off.
I believe the Lord has enabled me
to write down all the struggles I had before, in order for me to have something
to look back. And yes, it's helping me now. Literally.
I've gone through a lot lately.
Haha. Here I go again. No, seriously. Why would I be ashamed to share my story?
If there are any readers or if there would be one, I want them to also learn
from where I came from. I want to, atleast, help anyone who may be struggling
with the same struggles I had. And so here it goes.
June 2015.
Remember the truth? Yes. Let's go back to the truth. My story with the truth
did not end 8 months ago. The story I had with the truth resumed not long after
my latest blog. Yes, we became better people. We were able to make the most out
of what we had, and we became very happy. But yes, problems never left our
side.
That was a very painful night. I
remembered coming out of the cab, crying carelessly while walking down to my
house. At that time I did not care about anything or anyone anymore. The pain
was too deep that I have forgotten everything. When I entered my house, I
prayed. I sang to the Lord and asked for His wisdom. He told a very straight
forward answer - "Leave". I was scared. I did not know if I could
take it. How am I going to be sure that if I leave the truth that night, I
would be firm and would not ran back to it and ask for a second chance? I was
filled with fear and doubts. But I jumped into the unknown. I ended everything
that night. We, actually, ended it. It was a peaceful, mutual decision that we
agreed on. And after that, it's as if the weight has been lifted out my chest.
Though it still pained me, but I knew I did the right thing.
Then come everything that I had
to go through. I never thought that I'd lead myself to those things just to
forget and move on. I felt the worst and the darkest night of my life. I pitied
myself so much, that I could not accept that I resorted to and I was going
through such thing. The shame, the pain, the bitterness, the tears, the
heartache, all rolled into one night. I cried, and cried. I cried out loud. I
almost kissed the floor in tears. I wept. I never thought I'd experience that.
Whew. But the Lord was gracious. I felt His embrace. I felt His arms
surrounding me at that time. I felt safe. I felt peace. And then I fell asleep.
I remembered the verse, James 4:6: "...But God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."
I realized, I got too proud. It's
as if I told God, "God! I can handle me. Okay? I can handle my life. This
is what I want. These are my plans. I'll take it from here, okay?" But the
Lord, being so gentle, has let me done what I pleased. Why? Because He wanted
me to learn. He wanted me to reach that point of realization that what I
actually want is something that will hurt me and make me bleed so much. And He
was right. And although He let me went through that kind of pain, He has also
made a way to lead me out.
But, it did not stop there.
3 days after. A new kind of story began.
It is something different with the story I had with the truth. This is a quite
funny one.
It came so unexpected and very
soon. I knew what my intentions were, and that is to forget the truth.
At first, I allowed myself to get
into this story because I wanted to expand my world. I wanted to build a new
world. A world that will not judge me and bring my past back. A world that will
give me a chance to love. A world that will not oblige me to prove myself in
order for them to accept me. And I found that world!
I was welcomed so much. My
thoughts, my opinions, my feelings were very much acknowledged. I never
expected this to come. I felt so secure and safe. I felt that I can be who I
can be. I felt so free. Its as if my heart is opening up again.
2 months after. Something unexpected
happened. Well, I must admit, something is happening inside of me already.
Something I do not understand. I became too dependent but I can pull myself
back right away. But I know I'm liking whats happening. Although somehow I
feared that I might do the same mistakes all over again, I did not care. As
long as I'm happy, I'd like this to continue (same mindset, lol)
Things got complicated. There
were other factors that I had to consider if I would choose to pursue this. I
am very much willing to continue what was started. Why? Because I knew
something great and happy and genuine will come out of this. I believed on it
so much. Although situations became more and more complicated every single day,
I did not mind. I waited and waited and waited.. because I know things will be
better. Because I was holding on to that "promise". Because I had
faith that soon, everything will be smooth.
Yesterday. But yes. As they say, I'm
just a human. No words can ever describe the amount of patience I had just for
this to work. I have echoed out my feelings and all that I need. I did not keep
it inside just like before. I applied everything I learned and tried so hard to
be a better one this time.
But I think, I have given it to
the wrong person. I felt like I was cheated. I was played around. In these last
weeks, I knew something was going on. And yes, I was correct. The reason why I
was being left alone countless times is not because of the "complicated
things", but because there was already confusion happening whether to love
me or choose somebody else. And last night, I felt like I will not be chosen, and
I'll never be.
The words I heard were all empty.
They were all just there to make me feel better. But its not said with what its
really meant for. It was so painful. Everytime I remember everything, it brings
tears to my eyes.
The feeling when you have
understood and accepted all the mistakes, and compromised the things you want
in order for everything to work, and then you'll find out that something else
is going on? It sucks. Truly sucks.
A friend told me, "You have
to love yourself." Might sound selfish. But I think, yes, its about time.
It's seems like the end of world
for me again yesterday and a while ago. But upon reading this blog? Nahh. I
realized that this is just small compared to what the Lord made me went through
before.
Yes its hard. Its painful. And
the pain and bitterness will still haunt me, but I trust the Lord that in time,
I will be healed. I will not be a hypocrite by saying that I am not
affected, and that all these things are just light, no. But I'm choosing to be
strong. I'm choosing to focus on myself and be what the Lord wants me to
be. I've had enough of dramas and crying and miseries. It's time for me to
stand up, reach for the Lord's hand and live a better life ahead.
Yes I know I will be tested in so
many ways. But, I will choose to trust. I will choose to be more open-minded. I
will choose to open myself up again to the Lord's leading. The Lord has
afflicted me a lot of times in order for me to learn and to be shaped. And I
praise the Lord for that, though its really hard.
Right now I pray that the Lord
would reveal the innermost parts of my heart in order for me to be blameless in
His sight.
God bless you all! :)
PS. I realized, I can't tell the
"second" story into full details. I don't know why. Probably because
of too much hurt? Shame? Bitterness? I don't know. I just feel like that it's a
story that is not worth telling. Sorry. And this is all because I did not
listen. Again, I pursued what I thought I wanted. But it hurt me 10x more with
the hurt I felt before. I still feel this rage. Urgggh. But Lord, please, help
me find forgiveness.